Frustrated

Frustrated. That is the word of the week. I know it is always hard to go back to work and get into the routine after a vacation, but my frustration is stemming from something else. Something I cannot conceptualize fully. A multitude of situations that have been mixing around in my brain and in my life. So prepare for word vomit but here you go:

My husband and I cannot find or obtain good paying jobs. We have been applying to so many jobs for the past year and have been rejected from ALL of them. 

For the past year I have been battling extreme paranoia, anxiety, and depression. I still am in the midst of this battle. 

I feel directionless. I have no drive, passion, or desires (that are conscious at least). 

I cannot stand living with myself. I think I’m a failure in SO many aspects of my life: as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as a so called “counseling student”, as a follower of Christ, etc. 

These examples are all that I can think of for today. Frustrated to the point of tears. This was my week. I sobbed in the bathroom at work this week and could not stop for many minutes. As mascara ran down my cheeks, I felt my heart breaking, my anger rising, and I could not express with words what I wanted to say, but I knew that God knew my heart, my thoughts, and my emotions. 

God knows. God sees. God waits. God waits patiently for His children to come running into His arms. And sometimes that is all I need for that moment: an embrace from my Heavenly Father. Then I wipe the mascara off my face, go back to work, and try to trust that He has my best interests in mind as He directs my footsteps in this life. 

I do not have any other answer for myself or for you today. I could have a list of encouraging Bible verses but to be honest, I would have just googled them and placed them here on my blog. I was convicted this week that I need to spend more time with my Father. I need to embrace Him every single day. I need to hold His hand as I walk through my day no matter how bored, frustrated, or scared I am. I have been trying to intentionally pray throughout my day realizing that I exist to bring Him glory. I exist to bring Him glory in my workplace, in my home life, in my studies, in my job search, in my relationship with Him, in my routines, and in the midst of my frustration. 

This week let us cry out to our Father because He is for us. 

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31, ESV) 

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7, ESV) 

Finding Feelings

I am a very emotional person. Anyone that has ever met me will say this is true. Over the years I have learned how to be more attune with my emotions and how to appreciate these emotions and feelings that are very real (even if I’m the only one experiencing them) and how to control these emotions rather than have them control me. Today we are tackling the next question in our series: what am I feeling?

The answers to this question can and will vary depending on so many different factors. However, I believe practicing answering this question time and time again is essential to living in the most genuine fashion possible.

So how do I express what I am feeling? I will never forget my Professor in one of my first classes as a Master’s student at Regent University. She told us one day that we were never to use the phrase “feel like” again. She said if we used the word “feel” we needed to place a “feeling word” immediately after the word “feel”. So for example, if I said, “I feel like no one understands what I’m going through”, I would have to change that phrase to “I feel misunderstood”, etc. This exercise we practiced every single day at the beginning of each class and I am so grateful to my Professor for teaching us this valuable lesson.

I believe this activity was so powerful because a lot of us have an unhealthy relationship with feelings. Maybe we have been criticized by being “too emotional” or we believe we have to “be strong’ for others, or maybe we were not nurtured when we were young and thus have to deny our true feelings in order to be safe. Whatever the reason, we need to begin to work on our relationship with our feelings.

Let us start today.

What are you feeling?

I want you to choose the top three feelings you have been experiencing this week. This week I have felt anxious, restless, and unsuccessful. Once you have those three feelings you can begin to dissect them. Briefly write a sentence or two on why you are feeling that particular feeling.

Anxious: I have an irrational fear that I am doing something wrong and will get in trouble with the law. I want everything in my life to be okay.

Restless: Since I have not been working as much because of COVID-19, I have been more lazy than usual. I have been watching too much TV, spent too much time on my phone, etc.

Unsuccessful: I have applied to so many jobs since I have moved out here to TX (it’s been 10 months now) and I have gotten rejected by so many employers. I am not at a job that matches my level of education. I think I am at square one. I do not know where to go from here.

Now that we have dissected these feelings we can take action. Let me just say that even though my “feelings” were more negative than positive, it is okay and even great if you have positive feelings such as content, happy, joyful, etc. If you have these feelings that is amazing and I believe your action-step should contain praise to the LORD for these feelings and experiences. However, if you have more negative feelings this week, do not be hard on yourself. Accept your difficult feelings and let us move on to step three. Let us make an action plan. Like I said, if your feeling words were positive your action plan should include praise to the LORD, joyful singing, rejoicing with others, etc. My action plan is below.

Read what God has to say about my feeling(s)

Anxious:

“Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7, ESV)

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6, ESV)

“So we can confidently say, “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:6, ESV)

Restless:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:33-34)

“Make the best use of the time, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16, ESV)

Unsuccessful:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, ESV)

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

Talk to God

God wants to hear what is on our hearts and minds. He already knows us but he wants us to draw near to him, to cry out to him, and to find peace in him. Turn your phone on silent, go into a room by yourself, and just talk to the God who made you, the God who knows you and the God who loves you no matter what feelings you are experiencing.

Make attainable goals for the upcoming week

Anxious: When I feel anxious I will pray before I do anything else.

Restless: when I feel restless I will make a to-do list and complete at least one task per day.

Unsuccessful: when I feel unsuccessful I will remind myself of the truth that God has a plan for me even if I do not see it yet.

These goals can be as simple or as extravagant as you would like them to be. Just make sure they are attainable or you will never succeed in changing these negative feelings into positive ones. If you have positive feelings, you can still create goals! (For example: when I feel grateful I will bless someone with an encouraging text or call, etc.)

Today was just a brief overview on how we can have a healthy relationship with our feelings but it is important to start engaging with your emotions and feelings. God created us with emotions for a reason. When we have a healthy relationship with our feelings we control them and glorify God through the good and the bad experiences. We do not need to wait until we are happy all the time. We can begin to draw near to God even when we feel discouraged, sad, and overwhelmed. We can use our feelings to be an example to others in the world. We have no reason to deny or hold on to our unwanted feelings because we have a God who cares about us and desires to heal, hold, and love us in the midst of our mess.

Self-Love: Confidence Check

These next seven weeks are going to be brutal. I am going to honestly evaluate myself, my ways of thinking, and compare those to Biblical truths in an effort to convert some of my negative thinking patterns into positive, confident, self-loving, and God-loving thinking patterns.

Let me begin by saying, “Welcome”. Welcome to the front row seat of my mind, and I hope you will be brave enough to open the curtains to your cognitive patterns and the effects these have upon your everyday behaviors.

Why am I creating a series based on self-love? Because I believe it is destructive to have low self-esteem. Low-self esteem plays a major impact on what choices you make for yourself, how you interact with others, and how you interact with God, the one who made you.

Our first question in this series is this: What do you think about you?

For the past couple of years I have actually seen my self-esteem drop to new levels of low. My battle with healthy self-esteem began in middle school. I compared my level of self-worth to how much positive attention I received from the male population. In college, I thought I had grown out of this way of thinking for a couple years, but since I did not fully confront my misguided cognitions throughout the years, these thoughts began to affect the way I lived and thought about myself. My last two years of undergraduate studies throughout my graduate studies (for a duration of about three to four years) I began to intentionally behave in ways I thought would grant me the attention I wanted and needed to feel confident. These behaviors included (but are not limited to): partying, drinking, flirting, not maintaining appropriate boundaries, and lowering my standards to “fit in”. For the most part, these behaviors worked and granted me the male attention that I was longing for. Those three to four years were actually some of my favorite memories because of the “fun” I had and the confidence I possessed. After those years of partying, I began to seek accountability, stopped romantically talking to men that were not believers, and began (with God’s help) to walk a more upright life (hey, I am still not anywhere close to perfect). Once I began to turn away from my old passions, I met my now-husband, Isaiah. We have been married for a little over a year now and if I start talking about him or us, we could be here for a while.

So I’m married now. I should be confident and have high self-esteem right? Wrong. I am sitting here on my couch this December evening still feeling lost, not knowing how to continue living life vibrantly and confidently. Why? Because I have still not confronted my middle-school belief that men’s attention equals “Leah’s self-worth”. I have lived my whole live up until now searching for male attention and now that I have a husband who is committed to me (and I am to him) for an entire lifetime, I am still not confident or content with me, with Leah, with myself. And that is what I am going to process and work on today (and probably for a while). I am going to look that belief in the face and speak God’s truth over it. I’m not going to let this belief continue to guide the way I live, feel, or behave any longer.

What does God think about you?

I am His.

“See what kind off love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” (1 John 3:1a, ESV)

“But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel; ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.’” (Isaiah 43:1, ESV)

I am loved, saved, and forgiven.

            “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, ESV)

I am worthy.

    “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17. ESV)

I have purpose.

            “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, ESV)

It is easy to quote or read these scriptures, but it is another task to believe them and live accordingly.

So just stop for a minute. Stop looking at your phone. Stop browsing the Internet. Stop rushing through your day. Sit for a couple minutes and let this truth wash over you. The one and only God who created the heavens and the earth created YOU.

He loves YOU. He wants a relationship with YOU. He sent his son to die for YOU. He raised Jesus from the dead so YOU can have eternal life with him.

He calls YOU child and friend. He knows YOU by name. He cares about YOU. He sees YOU. He knows YOU. He hears YOU.

How dare we speak poorly of ourselves. How dare we criticize the creation that God has made, which includes us. God created you and me and called us good.

“And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31, ESV).

If God calls us “very good”, then we need to live by that truth. What do you think about you? Yes, we have made mistakes (and will continue to do so until we reach heaven). Yes, sometimes we have acne on our faces or extra weight on our hips. We have to realize that not everyone is going to pay attention to us, and we have to be okay with these facts because the ultimate truth is God made us and knows us; and he still calls us good. Let us challenge ourselves this week to live in a new manner. Let us practice speaking these truths daily until we believe them. Changing thought patterns is not easy, it takes discipline, patience, and consistency, but it is possible to have healthy self-esteem. Let us strive towards this goal. Let us fall in love with who God has created us to be.

Shared Space

Hopeless. Embarrassed. Worthless. Angry. Bitter. Speechless. Tearful. Weary. Confused.

These words describe how I see myself in this season of my life. About five months ago, I graduated with my Masters degree in Marriage, Couple, and Family counseling. To make a long story short, I am not pursuing that career path at the moment due to personal desires, lack of time, and financial roadblocks. While I had made this decision months before I even graduated, little did I expect to be where I am today.

I was confident that my academic skills and personal experiences would guarantee me a financially stable job and that me and my husband’s move to Texas would be painless and effortless. However, as I should know by now, that is not how God works in me and in my life. After a month of job-searching, multiple rejections, and living off of our savings account and credit card, my husband and I both got accepted to jobs that were not necessarily desirable, but we were and are thankful that God provided us an avenue for income.

Can I be grateful and disappointed at the same time? Can thankfulness and bitterness share space in my heart? Because they do. Let me tell you, they do.

I had applied to multiple different jobs ranging from minimum wage to comfortable (most desirable) salaries. While I was confident my academics would provide me the chance to land a higher paying job, the only job that hired me started me off at a measly nine dollars an hour. Yes, you heard right. I am making nine dollars an hour. God allowed me to learn humility through this job opportunity and he taught me how to trust him day by day.

Okay God, I’m trusting you, I’m humbling myself, now can you give me a better paying job?

While I continue to apply for jobs (an average of ten applications a week), I am still receiving rejection emails. I have been continually praying, applying, and inwardly struggling daily for a whole month now.

God have you forgotten me? God have you forsaken me? God is this your plan for me? What is my purpose? What is my reason for being in this place of bitterness, of rejection, of humility?

These are the questions I ask with tears running down my face. I hear silence. I hear fear. I hear anxiety. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel like a disappointment to my friends and family. I feel frustration. I feel rejection. And it hurts. I’m hurting.

So why am I sharing this? Because I want you to know that you can and will be in a season of life that does not make sense. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that we are allowed to question and interact with God, the author of our stories.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” (Psalm 22:1-2, ESV)

It is OK to question. It is OK to feel distant from the LORD. It is OK to hear silence.

“Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame” (Psalm 22:3-5, ESV).

Remember who your God is. Remember all of his glorious acts in this world. Remember the stories your brothers and sisters in Christ have shared of his power actively working in their lives. This God that has saved others, is your God too.

“Save me from the mouth of the lion! You have rescued me from the horns of the wild oxen!” (Psalm 22:21, ESV)

While your situation may look dire, remember what God has accomplished in the past for you.

“The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; those who seek him shall praise the LORD! May your hearts live forever!”(Psalm 22:26, ESV)

Continue to seek God. I know it is easy when we are frustrated or feeling hopeless to avoid God. Why would we want to spend time with the One who is responsible for the circumstances we are in anyways? God tells us to seek him and we will live. Seek him and we will “be satisfied”.

When you are in a place of darkness and hopelessness, it is easy to read the scriptural truths but it is hard to believe them. It is okay, friend. Just read them for now. Continue to read them as you seek the LORD during this time.

I am still emotional tonight. I am still experiencing raw emotions that hurt my heart. I am still trying to battle the lies that I am not “good enough”. And that’s okay. I am interacting with my Creator tonight. I hope you do the same. God wants to hear your disappointments just as much as he wants to hear you say, “Thank you, even in the midst of this situation I will trust in you, I will seek you, and I will praise you”. And that my friend is how gratitude and disappointment can share the same space.

Rules of Religion

While everyone’s relationship with the church is unique, I am merely expressing what I have experienced and observed about the churches that I have attended when I was a child and teenager.

I do not remember talking about sex, masturbation, or relationships in a church setting. I remember in youth group they gave us the basic answer of “save sex for marriage” because that is what “God intended”, but I was never given valuable information about how my body functioned, and what to do with my sexuality when I was single or in a relationship prior to marriage.

I do not remember talking about alcohol, drugs, or partying in the church other than the statement, “don’t do it”. I was never given information on how peer pressure affects us more than we think, about how alcohol and the partying lifestyle is addictive, and how to counteract my temptations with fulfilling activities, friends, and mindsets.

My experience with relationships in church was I knew that we were “not allowed” to hug the opposite gender, but I was never taught how to connect and interact in healthy (and not awkward) ways with the opposite sex.

Finally, I do not remember feeling comfortable expressing my honest, truthful, and shameful struggles when I attended church during my childhood and teenager years.

I will admit that I have struggled with bitterness towards the church and the Christian community. I believe that the way my churches approached these topics was immature, dangerous, and unhealthy.

However, along my own personal journey with sin struggles and growing in my relationship with the LORD, I have become passionate about honesty and vulnerability in the Christian community, and especially teaching the younger generation the brutal truths that I wish I was prepared for as I embarked on my young adult life.

In my graduate studies at Regent University, I actually conducted a study that looked at the support systems in adolescents’ lives in the Christian community, which were parents and church leadership. The results showed that if one of these support systems was to properly address sex and sexuality without shaming the individual by being completely honest and open about what to expect, then the client did not feel shame when engaging in sex for the first time.

I am not going to bore you with the entirety of the study, but this finding I think should be highlighted here in my discussion with you today. Reread that last paragraph. If you are a parent or if you are in church leadership, you need to begin to take steps today to create a safe, honest, shame-free space in which to prepare the adolescents and teenagers for the future.

I guess that has been my question for years now: how can the church become a safe, honest, and shame-free place? How can we (as the Christian community) engage in mature and healthy conversations that prepare the youth of today for their tomorrow?

Today, I am not going to give suggestions because I believe this answer differs by situation and the individuals involved. However, I want you, yes you who are reading this blog right now to step back, take a few moments, and think about how you have been impacted (good or bad) by the church. Write down the expectations that you have heard or believed when you were a child or teenager in the church. Below are mine for an example.

            Do not have sex until you are married.

            Dress modestly because guys think very sexually.

            If you hug a guy (full front hug) then you are tempting him with your body.

            Anyone that parties is a mess and should just come back to church.

            Drinking alcohol will make you an alcoholic.

            Girls and women do not struggle with sexual desires (masturbation, watching                      porn, sexual thoughts), only boys and men do.

I could continue this list for a long time, but above are a few of the more popular expectations and beliefs that I was taught in my childhood and teenage years in the church setting.

Let me just tell you, I still went to church every week and I still served in the children’s ministry while I was struggling with my sinful lifestyle of partying on the weekends. I have never felt so isolated in my life. I was surrounded by Christians and my spiritual family, yet I could not share what was truly going on because of the lack of honesty I received growing up regarding sin and how to deal with my sinful struggles.

If you are currently still struggling with a particular sin (or sinful lifestyle), I want to caution you to be careful whom you open up to about your struggle. Evaluate the people in your life and if you think someone is going to shame you or disregard your struggle, do not share your personal life with them. Some people (even our Christian brothers and sisters) can destroy us even more by not creating a safe place to divulge private and shameful information. Make a list of individuals in your life that have demonstrated safety, non-judgmental attitudes, and honesty, and pursue an intentional accountable relationship with them.

*Disclaimer: As I said in the beginning, everyone’s experience with church and the Christian community is different; I am merely expressing my experience and observations. I am still a believer in Christ, but have gained a passion to recreate what church means and how we as a Christian community can become better at growing and walking through life together. This means walking through the good, bad, and ugly. Jesus died for my sins, which means I do not need to live in shame anymore and I do not expect anyone else to live in that shame. Jesus has set us free. Do not allow a church or a person to keep you in that shame, dark, and secretive life. Let’s be honest with one another and respect the work that God is doing in each one of our lives.

But God

I was happy, content, and laughing the majority of the weekend. Nothing out of the ordinary was happening. I was just finally experiencing my life to the fullest. And then. There is always an “and then” in my life. Or at least, there is always an “and then” that I am expecting to occur. For me, this “and then” was depression, anxiety, and continuous negative self-talk in my head that I could not escape. These three joy-stealers turned my laughing into crying, my happiness into depression, and my contentment into anxiety. What just happened?

Does this scenario sound familiar? Let me give you a couple more examples.

I had a happy, safe, and stable childhood, and then I left for the “real world” and realized not everyone or every situation is safe.

I was a virgin expecting to save sex for marriage, and then I was sexually assaulted and began a life of unwise, sinful choices.

I used to always have joy and laughter even when things did not always go my way. And then I began to struggle with anxiety and now it is difficult to laugh.

I was living a “normal” life, and then I began to experience depression and had no idea how to cope.

I used to live carefree and then I began to have financial struggles and experienced days where I would count the spare change in my car to figure out how to pay for my next meal.

The list can go on and on, believe me. While some of these scenarios are merely a result of “growing up”, some of these are unexpected, disappointing, and unwanted. I believe that we all live our current lives based off of our past experiences. Our minds and bodies are programmed to form coping mechanisms (healthy or unhealthy to protect our selves from experiencing pain. As I have grown (and studied psychology), I have realized in my own life, my expectation of the “and then” is a protective mindset I have so that I will not become too hopeful or too happy, just to be disappointed or caught off guard. If I expect the “worst case scenario” or if I expect that my happiness won’t last forever, then I am ready for the unknown.

But let me just tell you. I am never ready for what is going to happen next. You are never ready for the unknown. So why do we let ourselves still think like this? Why do we allow ourselves to live half-heartedly just in case something bad happen? Well, maybe we were not fully aware that this is how we were thinking. Maybe we do not know how to live any differently. Maybe we need to all fight our mental battles daily so that we can experience the freedom that God desires us to possess.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, ESV)

The above Bible verse has been very instrumental at changing my perspective regarding my life events. What if we thought about our life like this?

I had a happy, safe, and stable childhood, and then I left for the “real world” and realized not everyone or every situation is safe. But God is my “refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1, ESV).

I was a virgin expecting to save sex for marriage, and then I was sexually assaulted and began a life of unwise, sinful choices. But God healed me, forgave me, and allowed me to experience true, healthy love through my marriage with my husband.

I used to always have joy and laughter even when things did not always go my way. And then I began to struggle with anxiety and now it is difficult to laugh. But God tells me to come to him when I am burdened and tired (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

I was living a “normal” life, and then I began to experience depression and had no idea how to cope. But God walks with me even through the “shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4, ESV).

I used to live carefree and then I began to have financial struggles and experienced days where I would count the spare change in my car to figure out how to pay for my next meal. But God provides for my every need (Matthew 6:26, ESV).

But God. That is how we should challenge our unhealthy thoughts. Yes, we may be tired. Yes, we may be anxious. Yes, we may be scared, hesitant, and uncertain of what is going to happen next in our lives, but God has promised to be near to us, his people.

I challenge you this week to journal and capture all of your “and then” thoughts. Do not just stop there though, insert a “but God” after all of those thoughts and see how your thought patterns will change. They will not change overnight, but practice will eventually reap results and then hopefully we can all live more fully than we are now.

 

The End of a Chapter

While I do not usually watch a lot of television, I have heard my friends talk about how there is an emptiness they feel after they watch an entire television series. This has happened to me twice now. I finished watching Parenthood and New Girl on Netflix within these last three years and I understand more fully what my friends have been saying about the empty feeling they receive once the credits roll. Although these credits roll, the lives you have invested in haven’t exactly ended, but you are only left there to wonder “what if”, or “how does it really end?” and then life goes on.

I cannot help but compare this analogy with my current life. I have come to an end. I have completed my Master’s program in marriage and family therapy and I have said goodbye to all my clients that I have had the joy of working with this past year. The credits have already ended. Goodbyes have been said. Hugs have been given. Tears have been produced. Yet, I am still sitting in the dark theater not wanting to stand up, not wanting to acknowledge that I will never “know” how my clients’ lives will end. I was invested in their lives for a season and for a reason, but my story with them has ended and I must stand up, walk out, and bravely face a new season, a new story, a new beginning.

What is this new beginning? What is my new story? What season am I going to enter now? These questions have been running through my mind on a continuous cycle for more than a year now. What is my purpose? What is my calling? What can I do? You would think that after a Master’s program, I would have already answered these questions but I have not. I still feel as confused and frustrated as I did when I first began my program. Aside from feeling like a black sheep in the midst of the crowd, I also feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, and impatient. Why does everyone else seem to have a sense of direction and I exemplify a deer in the headlights?

So it is with these emotions of grief, sadness, disbelief, discomfort, frustration, confusion, and timidity that I end my graduate studies. Yes, yes I know that I should be ecstatic, relieved, and excited about my future. And I am, partially. But I also want to be honest with you and invite you into my current struggles. Isn’t that the purpose of community? I am writing my raw emotions to encourage those of you with similar feelings about particular seasons of your life that you are not alone. Sometimes God takes us through seasons of life and we come out on the other side still unsure of life, purpose, and calling.

I also want to encourage you that through your uncertainty we can be certain of unrelenting truths.

God created me. He created you. (Genesis 1:27)

God adopted me. God adopted you. We are children of the living God. (Ephesians 1:5)

Jesus died for me. Jesus died for you. We are now set free from sin and death. (2 Corinthians 5:15)

The Holy Spirit lives in me. He lives in you. (Romans 8:9)

God writes our story. He will complete our story. (Philippians 1:6)

God created you, sent His son to die for you, adopted you, lives in you, and is still writing your story. What does that even mean?

It means that although one chapter might be over and this might bring you pain, confusion, frustration, and discomfort, there is more to the story. Do not let your chapters of life define who you are, but rather let those experience shape you, teach you, and move you into deeper worship of the One who is writing your story. A chapter might be over, but the book is just beginning. There is much more to come.

Uncomfortable Emotions

I have always been an emotional person. Just ask my mom, my dad, my siblings, my friends, and now my husband who probably witnesses the full range of my emotions more than he would prefer. Unless you have a severe psychological disorder, emotions are a normal part of the human life. While it is my norm to experience happiness, contentment, satisfaction, and comfort, I also experience nervousness, sadness, anger, and discomfort regularly. However, I have noticed that when I experience “negative” emotions, or the one’s society deems as negative, I become frustrated with myself and fall into a continual cycle of being angry for being angry, or being sad for being sad, the list goes on and on.

A couple days ago I was procrastinating on some homework (isn’t that always the case?) and decided to watch a TED talk on Youtube (highly recommend). The speaker was a psychologist and psychotherapist and his topic revolved around emotions and how to constructively experience “good” and “bad” emotions. Whether we realize it or not, our parents (or whoever raised us) are responsible for teaching us how to deal with, express, and view our emotions. While our earthly parents may (and will) make mistakes in this area of training and teaching emotions, our heavenly Father never fails.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28, ESV)

“The LORD is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, ESV).

“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, ESV).

God invites us to bring Him our “negative” emotions. He wants to support us when we are exhausted, worn-down, crushed, heartbroken, anxious, and about to give up on life. God does not shame us, He does not wait until we are in a better place emotionally to speak with us, and He does not hasten to sweep away our negative emotions because they are “wrong”. Rather, God reminds us of who He is and where we are.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33, ESV)

“Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10, ESV).

We are still on earth. This is not our home. God reminds us that we are still going to experience hardships: physical, financial, relational, mental, and yes, emotional.

As I said earlier, a lot of my emotional turmoil has been a result of not properly understanding how to interact with my emotions. What do I do when I’m sad? What do I do when I am so depressed to the point that I fall on the bathroom floor sobbing and wishing that life was different? What do I do when I am bitter towards unknowing individuals? What do I do when I am too exhausted to attend to my responsibilities?

God says, “Come to me”. God says, “I’m near”. God says, “I care for you”. God doesn’t say, “Wait until you are emotionally stable”, “There is no reason to cry”, “You just need to pray more and then all your problems will go away”. No, God already warned us that we will experience hardships. And He is here. He is near. He cares about you and about me and about the emotions we experience.

So how do we interact appropriately with the emotions we experience?

Admit your raw emotions.

Do not try to sugar coat your truth. Do not let any one else try to rephrase your experience. If you are feeling bitter and angry, say so. If you are depressed and crying on that bathroom floor, say so. If you are anxious and literally shaking to the core, say so. Start with admitting how you are feeling in this moment. It is raw, embarrassing, isolating, and cold. But this is where you are.

Enter into the presence of the LORD.

God already stated and proved that He loves us unconditionally. We do not have to be in a good place to stand in the presence of God. He already invited us in. Run, walk, crawl, and limp, whatever you need to do, get into the presence of the LORD.

Be still.

Then just sit. Just breathe. Let the LORD validate your emotions, your pains, your experiences. Be still and know that He is God. He is in control. Let those truths pour over you.

And you know what? Our emotions will pass in time. But it becomes dangerous when we do not admit fully how we are feeling. We can suppress the real emotion and then resolution and healing will never occur. This can become a habit and eventually we become individuals who are fake, insincere, and living a lie. Let us start being people that honestly reveal how we are feeling. Let us start being a people that are comfortable “being still” in the presence of the LORD. Let us be a people that seek the LORD earnestly and know that He will “wipe every tear from our eyes” (Revelation 21:4, ESV).

Running, or jogging well

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”- Hebrews 12:1

These past few weeks I have felt and acted like a toddler. You know the ones that kick and scream when they are told to do something? Like the ones that beat their fists on the ground and say, “No”? Like the ones that pull on their parent’s arm in the opposite direction of where the parent wants them to walk? Yeah, that was (and still is) me.

I have been wrestling with the concept of finishing well. Finishing the task that God has set before me. For me this task is school. I have been in graduate school for almost three years now and while I have not wanted to attend, I decided to push through and do the best I could do in a field that will benefit me to some extent even if I don’t end up being a counselor full-time. I am facing my final six and a half weeks of school. While most people would assume that I would be excited, I am mad, exhausted, anxious, discouraged, and longing for something more. Oh and why don’t you throw in bitter while we are listing all of my negative attitudes towards school?

It was in the midst of complaining to the LORD that He spoke to me. “How dare you think I will not be with you to the end.” “How dare you think that I cannot use you to accomplish my will and bring me glory even through this pain.” These two sentences rang loud and clear in my head one Sunday morning during a worship service and brought me to tears. What is God trying to teach me? How can I begin re-training my mind to respond correctly to situations I cannot control? How can I be of service to LORD even in the end of my journey with school?

Make Truth a Priority

Negative emotions have a stronger impact than you think. They can suck the life out of you, drag you down to the ground, and place a foot over you so it is nearly impossible to move. Prevent this by prioritizing the truth of the LORD. Meditate on scripture, pray, speak truths over yourself, etc.

Change Your Perspective

There are going to be days, people, and places that you dislike and even dread facing. However, instead of allowing these thoughts (and fears) to consume you, remind yourself these are seasons of growth and God is using you in the midst of these fears and entities that trigger anxiety. God is allowing you to walk through days, walk towards people, and walk in places that you dislike in order to refine you.

Establish Confidence

Once you create a foundation of truth upon which to stand and recognize that God is fighting for you in the midst of your troubles, you are then able to establish a confidence that cannot be shaken. If we place our confidence in anything (or anyone) other than the LORD and what He says about us, then we will surely be disappointed, traumatized, and empty. If you are a child of the Most High God, then you need to start acting like one. Not like the toddler that throws a tantrum type of child, but rather become a content, confident, and obedient child that enters into situations, places, and conversations with a steady belief that God is on your side, and that He has already equipped you with the tools you need to fight your battles, to face your enemies, and to walk in victory.

What race are you running? What task(s) has God set before you that you are becoming bitter towards?

“Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act” (Psalm 37:5, ESV).

I urge you to finish that race well (even if you have to jog, just don’t stop). I urge you to speak specific truths over yourself, to change your perspective and realize that God is for you, not against you, and to establish that confidence, knowing God has already equipped you for what is to come.

Control, or lack thereof

Control. We all want it. We all long for the knowledge of what is to come, what is hidden down the scary path called the unknown.

What if we could predict what types of interactions we were going to have today?

What if the fears we had could be extinguished by simply knowing what the end result was going to look like?

What if the anxiety and stresses that each day brings never made an appearance because we already have a specific understanding of what today will entail?

My question is: when is this day going to happen? Those possibilities sound absolutely wonderful and honestly, I yearn for a simple, easy, and carefree life. When I think about the fears, anxieties, and stresses that I do have, it all comes down to trust and control.

Do I trust my Heavenly Father enough to realize that my day CAN be enjoyable even when I do not know the outcome of every situation?

Or am I still aimlessly striving for a sense of control by manipulation, stagnation, and/or “playing it safe”?

“The LORD is my light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1, ESV)

I started my week by reading this Bible verse yet still allowing myself to experience anxiety, fear (paralyzing at times), and pity parties. Instead of shaming me for not trusting Him, God gently has been knocking down my fears one by one, proving that He is to be trusted at ALL times.

I heard that I received a letter from the courthouse and I had been anxious for a whole week that I would owe money or that I had committed some crime. Instead it was a check given to me for eight dollars (tax property refund).

For the past month I have been anxious of one of my clients and this Monday I had planned on confronting her regarding her thoughts on how our sessions were going. She said that she thought everything was going well and she really enjoyed meeting with me.

Tomorrow I have to take the CPCE (Counselor Preparation Comprehensive Examination) in order to graduate from my Master’s program. Am I anxious? Yes, yes I am. But guess who is on my side? Guess who is my light, my stronghold? The Creator of the entire world, my Heavenly Father, my Savior who DIED for me so that I could LIVE is on my side and is orchestrating my life for good.

And allowing yourself (and myself) to live in anxiety, depression, stress, constantly reaching out your hand in attempts to control the situations around you is NOT living.

As Children of the living God, we are called to look and live different than those of this world. Let us live confidently, boldly, and joyfully amidst our stress, amidst our pain, amidst our depressed days. Let us surrender the endless and unfulfilling pursuit of control. Let us lift up our hands and acknowledge that God knows our every need and He is faithful.

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16, ESV)

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life….look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value then they?” (Matthew 6: 25-26, ESV)